I skipped JS30 today to help my wife with her site and blog. Although I spent most of the day coding, I feel that today is more about a realization that’s been a long time coming. As programmers, I think one of the most common feeling, or even complex, we have is impostor syndrome.
I can’t believe I’m admitting this now in public, but, last year, I turned down a development job mainly because I felt like I was an impostor. I had a great interview with the CTO and CEO. They loved me. And, I felt like it was a great company to be a part of. We were even discussing how they wanted to groom me to be in a senior position within a year. Imagine that, my first ever dev interview would have turned out to be my first ever dev job.
However, things didn’t turn out that way. I turned down the offer. I told them that the whole reason that I came back to NY was to build a business. This was true. It’s still true. It’s probably 60-70% of the reason why I turned down the job. Behind that though, the 30%-40%, is the impostor syndrome.
I never held a dev job. Although I have CS degree and just graduated from a bootcamp, that offer scared the shit out of me. I felt that I couldn’t do it. I was too scared to even try because I didn’t want to be found out as a phony.
Today, however, I have a realization that I am good enough. That I could have done the job and if I decide to seek employment as a dev now, I can do the job.
It’s weird, because I realized this while working on my wife’s site.
I built the site last year using a free bootstrap theme. At that time, I was still feeling defeated by that episode of impostor syndrome. I worked on the site and I was doing well with it but I was constantly doubting myself. That doubt, I feel blocked me from actually realizing that I knew what to do with this themed site.
So, after only a bit of tinkering, I put down my keyboard and mouse and left the site half finished.
Today, however, was different. I have been working hard and believing more in myself the past couple of months. When I started working on the site, I felt more comfortable. Things were flowing. I wasn’t struggling like I was before. I still have to google stuff but the block wasn’t there anymore. I wasn’t feeling the urge to give up.
I finally finished my wife’s blog and site. She was really happy. And so was I because I know that even though I still have a lot of learning to do, I don’t see my self as an impostor anymore. I know now that I can do this.
Wife’s site – beintheworldyoga.com
Wife’s blog – blog.beintheworldyoga.com